DIVORCE 101 Everything You Don't Need To Know About Divorce
If you have been considering to choose divorce as a way to solve your marital problems, there is one thing you absolutely must know before you proceed: it will hurt like hell. It will hurt, and then hurt, and then hurt some more. And when you think it is finally through hurting, it will take immense pleasure in surprising you with the biggest hurt yet. It won’t matter how sure you believe you were about making that decision, or how much you thought you had come to terms with it: it will still hurt.
Sometimes it will feel like pins and needles, sometimes it will come as a throbbing pain, sometimes it will be a full-blown I-just-got-run-over-by-a-truck (and-it-only-hurts-when-I-laugh) pain. Sometimes it will leave you numb all over, and that will actually be a blessing. But it will still hurt.
So, if you think there is nothing worse than finding yourself trapped in the time zone between already having the certainty and still not having the courage to leave, remember: that’s just foreplay. You ain’t seen nothing yet. So be sure you are sure. And when you believe you couldn’t be more sure, check again. Meanwhile, be strong and ignore the peer pressure from that well-intentioned but misguided friend who has never even considered divorce but who, of course, knows better than you do. That’s right, the one who keeps saying that you shouldn’t drag things for too long, that you should take the plunge, make that decision, go for it. If you are going to have to suffer miserably, it might as well be by your own choice.
Something else to consider before you take that final step is the gruesome process of having to go through your entire history together, dividing your life in half and deciding who gets to keep this bit or that piece of it. And if that is not enough, think about the tremendous emotional rupture you will have to endure. No, not the one with your spouse. I mean the emotional break up
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with the person you gradually became in that relationship. Ok, maybe you don’t like that person. Still, that side of you became as familiar to you as your spouse. It might be harder than you think to give up that comfortable feeling you get during your calm periods together (calm periods: defined as the quiet times when you were both just watching TV or doing anything other than tearing each other’s head off).
If you have already taken the big step, and are surfing the hurt wave as we speak, then just go with it. You should never impose any limits on the intensity or the duration of your suffering. Don’t try to swim against the current. Let it run its full course; eventually you will get to the beach. After the fact, there will always be somebody around to say something maddening like: “You did the right thing.” Try answering: “The right thing? Excuse me, the right thing? Who in this world can say that they know what the right thing is, even assuming there is such a thing as the right thing?” That should shut that person up, and if it doesn’t, remember there is always an open door (or window) nearby.
And beware of miracle cures! People will come out of the woodwork with all kinds of advice on how to get over it more quickly. Accept this basic truth right now: there is nothing currently available on the market which has been scientifically proven to speed up the process. Bottom line: there are no short cuts to getting over it. So, brace yourself and prepare for a stormy ride. You might also be concerned with the whole process of starting to date again after the divorce. Maybe you worry about being out of practice, or are afraid of what’s out there, or wonder if anybody will ever ask you out again. That will be the breezy part of it. The difficulty will lie in saying no to many of the people who will be asking you out. It will take a lot of courage to be selective, and resist the temptation to climb up on the first floating piece of wood that passes by, even though it is quite obvious that it can’t support your weight.
Final rule: there are no rules. Make yours as you go along. After all, part of the reason you got divorced to begin with was that you wanted to be free again, be your own person, make your own decisions, right? That is supposed to be the good part. You asked for it. Now you’ve got it. So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and make it worth all the pain!
Note: The comments above do not apply to cases of marital abuse (emotional or physical). I mean, if you are not sure about the need to divorce an abusive spouse, you really need some help fast!